Who needs tickets?

I have been asked to publish a list of the players’ names in the Mitchell Report, so here it is:

1. A bunch of guys you already knew took steroids.

2. A bunch of guys you never heard of because they stunk and have been out of the league for 5 years.

That’s it. That’s all you’ve got. “Wait,” you say, “What about Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite?!?” C’mon guys. Clemens has been better at 42 than he was at 28. That pretty much lines up with Barry Bonds. Pettite has been pitching 200 innings a year for like 20 years and is Clemens’ best friend. Neither of these guys is a real shocker.

There are other new names too, like Nook Logan and Jerry Hairston, but do you really care? No, because you have no idea who they are unless you are from the state of Maryland. Oh, John Rocker is on the list, but he had been a walking ‘Roid Rage for his entire career, so who cares? Tejada is a big name, but Palmeiro called him out years ago. Bonds and Sheffield have been in the spotlight for years because of BALCO. There’s no new proof on them here.

So what did we learn from this list? First, steroids don’t help your performance. I’m sorry to all you people who love to point the finger at steroids as “bad” in a black-and-white type of way. Here are the statistics of Greg Zaun, one of the players mentioned on this list: Lifetime batting average of .252 and an average of 11 homeruns per season. Wow, way to go Greg. Maybe you should be taking PCP instead of steroids, I heard that stuff makes you feel invincible for an hour or two. How about our boy Nook Logan? In four years, he’s got a lifetime batting average of .262 and has a grand total of two homeruns. Two. These guys just give proof to the fact that steroids do not help you hit a baseball. I could pump myself full of steroids, HGH, the clear, the cream, PCP, and three hits of acid, and I still couldn’t hit a curve ball (and never could).

Woah man, that curveball is so loud, I’m freakin’ out!

The second thing we learned from this list is that George Mitchell didn’t do anything but goof off for the past few years. When he began this, Sen. Mitchell said that he would take this investigation to wherever it lead. So where exactly did it lead? To old newspapers? The guy came up with only one new informant, and most of the information in this 400 page document is a summary of old news. I feel like George Mitchell pulled the same move every kid does in college when he has a research paper due. He waits until the last minute and copies stuff off the internet. Thanks for nothing, George.