Who needs tickets?

On Wednesdays from now on, you will no longer refer to me as D.Rob.  I will be “Samurai”, the long lost japanese warrior who has journeyed to the great city of Philadelphia to preview NFL matchups…..in haikus.  (On Fridays, you will refer to me as Shirley, but that’s a different story altogether.)  In my preview, I will take a close look at the key individual matchups, have in depth analysis of the teams’ defensive and offensive strategies, and tell you who will win and by how many - all in a 5-7-5 syllable form.  I assure you this is no easy feat, so kids do not try this at home.  I give you, the haikus of the great, white “Samurai” (here’s a real life photo of me for all the ladies out there)….

Vikings v. Chargers

    Vikings quarterback

Reminds me of my sister

  Just hand off the ball 

49ers v. Falcons

      Nobody likes you

If you want to watch this game

     Go get me a beer

Steelers v. Ravens

     Steelers at Ravens

Can’t name Ravens quarterback

   Thought I knew football

Bengals v. Bills

    Chad and Keyshawn talk

No one can understand them

   Of course they’re cousins

Broncos v. Lions

      Kitna is Jesus

   Jay Cutler is a hippie

Don’t know which is worse

Packers v. Chiefs

  Green Bay and the Chiefs

Rematch of Superbowl One

  Favre was M.V.P.?

Texans v. Raiders

   It’s Halloween week

So for the game in Oakland

  Fans will dress normal

Seahawks v. Browns

   Browns are 4 and 3?

The Dog Pound is so happy

   They peed on the rug

Panthers v. Titans

   ”Tennessee’s legit”

Thats what you all like to say

  Stop being so dumb

Eagles v. Cowboys

     Romo has secret

Vacations with Brady Quinn

   Leinart is jealous

Saints v. Jaguars

   Every quarterback

That’s on Jacksonville is black

   Reverse Racism

Buccaneers v. Falcons

    Garcia loves chicks

Married a playboy playmate

     God is he ugly

Redskins v. Jets

    Joe Gibbs has lost it

And Mangenius can’t find it

   Should be a great game

Patriots v. Colts

 Best game of the year

I know I’ll be watching it

  For the commercials

Look, for the most part I hate when people talk about their fantasy football teams. Everyone always has to let you know who they got goin where and when and why I should be impressed by all of this when your record is 2-5. Well today, I’m tellin our tale…It’s just that good.

Firstly, Drob and I own a fantasy sports team together. After you stop making jokes about how Drob can’t do anything without my help, I will continue. Finished? Great.

So this week we headed into the Monday night game down 27 points with only Greg Jennings and Brandon “Slot Machine” Stokley left to play. Well the winds were brutal that day my friends, and we went into the overtime period down by 14 points. Lucky for us, Brett Favre’s wife’s husband was at the helm, and threw an 82 yard touchdown pass to none other then Greg “Ken” Jennings, the best player on our sad little team, giving us the win by three points. Amen.

You look at the Cal/Stanford game, or the Red Sox/Yankees series in ‘04, and you see a comeback that hardly seems believable. That is until you experience it first hand. Now I know that miracles do exist and I just hope that it can continue for the next eight weeks because, honestly, our team is freaking terrible…

So I’ve been freakin pumped for this World Series all week and the day finally comes for game one. Well consarnit, I had a rec league basketball game last night as well and missed the first four innings. I then drive 85 mph to get home only to find out that I’ve missed most of the action including Josh “Jesus?” Beckett just mowing down the hottest team in the history of the universe as well as Big Papi laying down a bunt! That’s like Shaq draining a three, Julius Peppers kicking a field goal, or a movie coming out that doesn’t have Steve Carrell in the cast. It just doesn’t happen….

Well I guess my prediction of the Rockies in five will need four miracles but in all honesty, I think they can beat anyone but Beckett in that rotation. Oh yea, and they can’t give up 13 runs; that also makes it difficult to win at sports that aren’t football…

Let’s say by some miracle the Rockies can pull off tonight’s game and head back to Colorado tied at one game apiece. There would be no doubt in my mind that the Rock’s can take two of three at home and have this series in their hands at 3-2. Now granted that’s where the Indians were when they came back to Boston, but you never know what could happen with this Rock’s team. Let’s be honest, last night the game was over after the first inning. The wind had been taken out of their sails by Beckett striking out the side and Pedroia going yard on the second pitch. That’s like marching down the field in football, scoring in six plays, and then having the opposing team fumble its opening snap. Granted, anything can happen for the remainder of the game but your guys have GOT to be demoralized.

When all is said and done, this game tonight will be the one that everyone looks back on and says, “that game made the series”, no matter who wins. I just hope I don’t get distracted by my Alma Mater taking down the number two team in college football. This is one of those sports nights where I don’t even pay attention to women or drinking since there’s so much going on….Ok, maybe I still drink…

Maybe I’m blinded by love, but I refuse to hear what my associate Pettey is talking about.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the NBA at all.  In fact, with all the media overkill, the league has never been better. What people like Pettey don’t understand is that the NBA has very little to do with what happens on the court.  It’s about the drama, baby.  The NBA is like “As the World Turns” for men. So don’t tell me that someone like Tim Donaghy is going to ruin the league that I adore.  He just adds to the plot. He’s like Ralphie on the Sopranos - you hated him, but he really made the show better.

Here’s a few more reasons why the NBA is better off than it’s ever been.

The Next Jordan

In no other league does a player get hyped up more before he’s ever set foot on the court than in the NBA.  Here’s a list of players who have carried the title of The Next Jordan: Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, Allen Iverson, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Harold Miner, Penny Hardaway, Grant Hill, Jerry Stackhouse, Tracy McGrady, and your mother.  While some of these players are great in their own right, they will never ever live up to the expectations put on them by being labeled the next Jordan.  My favorite people on this list are the busts.  Guys like Jerry Stackhouse and Vince Carter crumbled under the weight of the pressure and frankly, that makes for good television.  But “The Next Jordan” also has its good stories.  The fact that Lebron James is almost as good as his hype was when he was 17 is remarkable.  Sidenote: The only one on that list who was nicknamed after Michael was Harold Miner (aka Baby Jordan).

The Offseason

The offseason of the NBA is arguably better than the actual season.  I’m totally okay with that.  Let’s review this year: Kobe demanding a trade, Kevin Garnett being traded to the Celtics, Greg Oden and Kevin Durant getting drafted, Greg Oden then getting a devestating injury to end his year before it started, Isiah Thomas’s court case, Shawn Marion not being happy in Phoenix, and Tim Donaghy rigging games.  I also heard that Kevin Garnett is having Steve Nash’s baby, and Dirk Nowitzki is PISSED about it.

Gilbert Arenas

I’m a die hard Wizards fan, but even if I wasn’t, I would still love this man.  He shouts out “Hibachi” when he shoots.  He plays online poker at halftime of every game to keep his competitive edge.  He beat teammate Deshawn Stevenson in a 3-point shooting contest while doing it one handed without having his feet leave the ground…and then put it on youtube.  He writes a blog where he tells stories about his girlfriend and him getting into a fight.  He hit a game winning shot from 5 feet behind the 3-point line and didn’t even watch it go in.  He is on the cover of NBA Live ‘08 and claims to play it ten hours a day.  I’m telling you, this guy is special…Helen Keller special.

TNT

Flat out the best sports coverage on TV today.  Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith are great.  If you can get past the fact that Charles Barkley loves himself, you can see that he has no fear of calling players/teams out for lack of effort.  Also, one of TNT’s best assets is that it doesn’t have a sponsor for every single thing in its broadcast like ESPN.  (By the way, go to www.ticketsofamerica.com for the best seats to all your favorite sporting events!)

Fantasy Basketball

No, it’s not nearly as good as fantasy football or baseball.  But what the heck am I supposed to do with myself during January and February?  Those are the dog days of winter, and as a professional bum I need things to occupy my time.  Changing my fantasy basketball lineup everyday fills that precious gap between toasting my pop tarts and organizing my sock drawer.

So everyone defended Bobby Reid, the Oklahoma State quarterback who got “unfairly” ripped in an article a few weeks back, including his own coach, Mike Gundy.  But now Bobby Reid is - shhhh - not showing up to practice.  And he’s - shhhhh - in Gundy’s doghouse and might even be cut from the team.  Oh, and the journalist who wrote the article, Jenni Carlson is - shhhh - probably 100% correct in her evaluation of why Bobby Reid lost the starting job. 

Do I find it acceptable that Carlson ripped into a collegiate athlete in a mediocre football program? No.  But what I also find unacceptable is Gundy making a scene out of it and saying “Three-fourths of this is inaccurate.  It’s fiction.”  All the article says is that the kid is not putting his heart into the position and not handling it well.  There’s some stuff about Bobby Reid getting fed chicken by his momma, but let’s get past that. Now I know nothing about the situation going on and don’t have any inside knowledge whatsoever, but seems to me Jenni Carlson spoke the truth mixed in with a little bit of her own opinion.  Isn’t that what a columnist is supposed to do? 

Chill out Gundy.  Oh, and please don’t come after me….

Sidenote: The title of this blog would make a great Bob Dylan song title.

It’s Monday, depression is setting in, and you’re starting to regret some decisions you made this weekend.  Maybe you shouldn’t have punched that puppy while you were drunk, but who really knows?  At this point, you’re debating going to the liquor store on your lunch break and buying some bailey’s to add to your sixth cup of coffee for the day, but will that solve anything?  Will it make the pain go away?  Maybe, maybe not.  But don’t fear, there are sports events coming up that you just can’t miss.  Just keep plugging away, we promise that it’s worth it.

Indianapolis Colts versus Jacksonville Jaguars (October 21, 8:30p.m.)

At this point, you have to root for the Colts because we all really want to see them and the Pats play each other while they are both still undefeated.  This is the first solid Monday night matchup in a while, we just hope that Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser stop cracking jokes and laughing enough to notice.  I miss Dennis Miller.

Boston College versus Virginia Tech (October 24, 7:30p.m.)

Let’s take a step back and look at the state of Boston sports right now.  The Red Sox are in the World Series, the Patriots are 7-0 and look above and beyond every team in the NFL, the Bruins are off to a surprising 5-2 start in the NHL, the Revolution are the defending champs of the MLS and are about to start their playoff run, the Celtics have 3 potential hall of famers playing for them in a water-downed Eastern Conference of the NBA, and Boston College will most likely go to the BCS title game if they win on Thursday.  If you are not rooting for Virignia Tech in this game, you are a bad person.

Ohio State versus Penn State (October 27, 8:00p.m.)

Please don’t let a Big 10 team get into the national title game. Please please please. Joe Pa, if there is a God, you will win this game.  Then you will gracefully step down from coaching because you are 110 years old and have Alsheimer’s.

The World Series (begins October 23, 8p.m.)

Red Sox.  Rockies.  Tim McCarver.  Dane Cook. Rocktober.  Transformers.  Josh Beckett’s ex-girlfriend. This is what it is all about (mostly Beckett’s ex).  The Colorado Rockies have NEVER won a World Series and the Boston Red Sox fans still whine like they never have either.  I love this World Series matchup and I hate it.  Ok, I dont hate the matchup, I just really hate Tim McCarver and Dane Cook and the city of Boston.  Prediction: Rockies in 6.  They open up with a statement victory against the untouchable Beckett.  The Rockies then take it one step further and have Danielle Peck get married to Matt Holliday during the seventh inning stretch. What a lucky guy….

As week six in the NFL wrapped up last night (I know there is a game on tonight but it might be the worst matchup in Monday Night history while two amazing baseball playoff games are on) it is ever more apparent that this league is basically owned by two teams, the Pats and the Colts. Needless to say, these two programs have dominated for the past six years and this year may be the penultimate of their respective dynasty’s.

Maybe there was an excessive amount of the hype train rollin’ through this week for the Pats/’Boys matchup, but that is nothing compared to what we will see in week nine if the two Juggernauts face each other with zero losses combined. Is it possible, damn straight it is.

 Week 7 - Pats at Dolphins - Quite arguably the worst team in the NFL, the Dolphins have zero chance. Honestly, if I’m Cam Cameron (or Cam Cam as I like to call him as of right now) I toss the playbook away and start making up wild trick plays that are basically all direct snaps to Ronnie Brown. Also, the show Nip/Tuck just moved its setting from Miami to L.A., is it possible the same thing happens to the Dolphins? And would anyone care?.

Colts at Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew finally came out of his shell and Garrard continues to steadily not screw up games. But can there defense stop Peyton after a bye week? No freakin chance in hell. My prediction…Matt Jones, most overhyped freak athlete ever, throws for 250 yards, runs for 185 yards, and has 12 receptions for 243 yards but with zero touchdowns. Colts win by a bakers dozen (17?)….

Week 8 - Redskins at Pats - It’s been 15 years since my Skinnie’s have gone to the big one, and every year since then has been one giant ulcer-inducing disaster. This past week against Green Bay may have been the final blow. I haven’t eaten since. I couldn’t sleep. Maybe if Santana and Portis didn’t spend an hour before the game rubbing oil all over each others bodies they would have had surer hands. Needless to say, there is no chance against this Pats team for our depleted Hogs. Zippy…

Colts at Carolina - Carolina is 4-2??? Wha? Did I miss something? Is the NFC that BAD? Vinny Testeverde is their Quarterback. That’s not a good thing. Sadly, this is the best chance for either team to lose before the matchup of the century ensues. So let’s just go ahead and say that the combined records of the Pats and Colts will be 15-0 before they face off that first weekend of Novemeber. That will be the highest combined undefeated record of two opponents in the history of the modern game. That being said, I will not be watching Sportscenter the entire week leading up to that game and I urge you to do the same…

Welcome to Top 5 Thursday!!!! From here on out, every Thursday we will choose a category and post our Top 5 for it.   We encourage all our readers to post their own top 5 in the comments section.  You do not need to be a member or have a login name to do so.  Just post ‘em up and let the hilarity ensue….

This week is Top 5 athletes that you love to hate.  We’re talking about guys/girls that if you hit them with your car, you’d put it in reverse to run over them again just to make sure they’re dead……Okay, that’s pretty harsh, but they should at least be athletes that get you fired up enough to yell at when they are on the television screen.  Your top 5 can be past or present, just try to keep them as pro-athletes and not some guy that was on your baseball team in little league that was always striking out because he was afraid of the ball.

5. Rex Grossman - Everyone needs someone on their list who plays for their favorite team - someone who you have to watch as he drives your beloved franchise into the ground.  Sexy Rexy is that for me.  He’s a guy with so much promise, who can bring so much hype to a dormant offense of 25 years, and yet, he can make it all crumble to pieces within moments.  And I just really hate the look on his face during the game.  He’s like a deer in headlights, but with a unibrow.  Take a look at the picture below and tell me that you aren’t 100% certain, without even seeing the rest of the play, that this throw is a terrible decision.

4. Antoine Walker - This guy is the epitome of what is wrong with the NBA game.  He’s a guy who should be a low-post, on the block, inside man, but instead he wants to bring the ball up the court sometimes, chuck up three pointers, and is way more concerned with his stats than the outcome of the game.  I absolutely love the NBA for no explicable reason, and guys like Walker make it hard to justify.

3. Lawrence Taylor - Let me sum up my hatred for L.T. in five words- Extra points in Tecmo Bowl.  LT was so freakin’ fast that he would block every single one of my PAT attempts.  I’d always choose the ‘85 Bears team, the greatest team to ever play on a Sunday, and one of my jerkoff friends would choose the Giants because they had LT.  My jerkoff friend would then win by one or two points because LT blocked a few kicks, and I would tell my mom that the kid was hitting me so that he had to leave my house.  The kid would then later tell his friends and at school, I would get teased mercilessly………Damn you Lawrence Taylor.  Damn you to hell.

2. Barry Bonds - I would assume that this guy would make most people’s lists.  In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that if I had made the category “Top 5 Most Hated in the History of the World”, he’d still get on some lists.  Barry Bonds is everything that is wrong with the game packed into one oversized cranium.  He’s not the only one to blame, he’s just the one that symbolizes it perfectly.  I could go on and on about it, but it’s nothing you haven’t heard before.  I’ll just end the discussion with pictures of Barry past and present:

1. Peyton Manning - We all have someone we hate for being just so damn good, and Peyton is this guy for me.  He stood in between the Bears and a Superbowl ring last year, so I really hate him.  He also has become the face of the NFL and is in about 5 different commercials that are replayed over and over every Sunday.  The worst part is that he’s not funny at all, but he’s trying to be.  It’s like that friend of yours who thinks he’s hysterical and you don’t have the nerve to tell him he’s not.  Well Peyton, I’ll say it - You’re a terrible actor and I hate you. 

We here at www.ticketsofamerica.com have decided to make the “Best Upcoming Sports Events” a monday morning staple.  Much of our audience is a little hazy on Mondays, feeling a little depressed, and looking for anything in life worth living for.  Although we can’t help you with the personal issues you are clearly going through, we can offer a ray of sunshine in the form of sports.  Here are a few things going on soon that you need to be alive and well to watch. If you have other events going on, post ‘em up in the comments….

New England Patriots at Dallas Cowboys (October 14, 4:15 p.m.)

This matchup is why we love football season.  It’s as wonderful as winning a free happy hour at your favorite bar and by some fluke chance, “Girls Gone Wild” shows up and asks you to hold the camera.  Conversely, Monday night’s Bills/Cowboys game is like getting kicked out of Bennigan’s for drinking too much Pabst Blue Ribbon and puking on a family of six.

TCU at Stanford (October 13, 5:00 p.m.)

Stanford looks to regroup this week against TCU as they barely squeeked out a win against USC this past Saturday at the last second.

NASCAR Nextel Cup Series at Charlotte (October 13, 7:30 p.m.)

Oscar Wilde once said “Life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”  I doubt that he had a movie such as “Talladega Nights” in mind when he said this, but what’s going on in NASCAR these days is downright eerie.  Yesterday, a French Formula One champion (Jacques Villeneuve) made his debut in NASCAR at Talladega and a good ol’ country boy NASCAR hero (Jeff Gordon) was really pissed off about it.  I’ve never watched NASCAR in my life, but I’m tuning in on Saturday night to see if Villeneuve tries to kiss Jeff Gordon on the lips.

NHL Regular Season (all week)

Just like preseason hockey, except that it effects their records.

The baseball diamond’s dust has settled and the real show is about to begin - the playoffs, baby! Turn on ESPN, TBS, Comcast, or any other channel that has to do with sports and you’re gonna hear evaluation and over-evaluation of every playoff series.  These so-called “experts” will analyze pitching matchups, batting lineups, managerial strategies, etc.  I’m not here to do that.  I’m here to show you what really matters.  I give you the REAL MLB Playoff Preview:

Angels v. Red Sox

Prediction: Manny Ramirez’s lice infects the entire Boston locker room, and the team is forced to forfeit the entire series.  Somehow, Kevin Bacon gets voted series MVP.

Yankees v. Indians

Prediction: Grady Sizemore and A-Rod are nowhere to be found on the field, but are seen at several nightclubs throughout the week.  LeBron James gets traded to the Knicks and immediately gets arrested for grabbing Isiah Thomas’ butt.  Drew Carey eats all the fans sitting in section 213 during Game 2.  The Indians win the series in 5. 

Cubs v. Diamondbacks

Prediction: The Cubs sweep the series, but there is a misprint in the newspapers and it accidentally says that the Diamondbacks swept instead.  No one really believes that the Cubs could win, so they let Arizona move on.

Rockies v. Phillies

Prediction: Colorado wins when Jimmy Rollins decides to play for them because he has some “sweet new purple sunglasses” that he believes would go really well with the Rockies’ uniforms.